THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IS HERE!

Ladies and gentlemen (Yes, all three of you who follow our blog...), we here at The Totem Pole are proud to present our latest foray into bringing you the most exclusive and juicy celebrity gossip:

TOTEM TV: EPISODE ONE

ENJOY!!

Melbourne Open preparation

In preparation to Melbourne open, it has been the tradition to compete at Sydney International and Brisbane International. But for 2011, Tennis Australia is considering Alice Spring International.

Sources close to the federation have confirmed this speculation that has been going around for the last couple of weeks. It is an attempt to bring Tennis from capital cities to the less tennis-developed areas.

There is a genuine concern for the health of players with temperatures reaching high 30’s and 40’s and the quality of the court, but it is believed that high heath will only improve the preparation for Melbourne Open.

Pop sensations Jonas Brothers are really retired boy band Hanson!

The world is in shock today after it was discovered by a Jonas fan, that the 3 brothers were in fact the Hanson brothers in disguise.

13 year old Kelly McDooglemiester, an avid Jonas Brothers fan, snuck into their dressing room after an LA concert yesterday afternoon. Wanting to get an autograph, McDooglemeister got more then she bargained for when the 'boys' came back and revealed that they were in fact Hanson.






“It was like the first episode of Hannah Montana when Lily like goes into Hannah’s dressing room and like finds out it is Miley Stewart. But like then they took of their wigs and they like had blonde hair! It was like horrible, the most horriblest thing I have ever seen. I was like, so scared, so I cried and ran out”.
Isaac Hanson, 29, Taylor Hanson 27, and Zachary Hanson 24 first came to major fame in 1996 with the smash hit MMMBop. After half a decade of success, the band left Island Def Jam Records after creative conflicts and lack of originality. This move resulted in the band falling off the music radar, apparently opening up spots in people hearts for a new, lovable boy band called the Jonas Brothers.



Nick Jonas, 18, Joe Jonas 21, and Kevin Jonas 22 came onto the music scene with the hit album It’s About Time, singing their way into our hearts. Each brother wear on their left-hand ring finger, purity rings. Joe has said that the rings symbolize "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage”. However reliable sources tell us that this was in fact a lie told to their fans and the general public as a way of hiding their true identities as the original Hanson brothers. Not having intercourse with women meant their secret would not be found out. But they didn’t anticipate the pure crazy of their fans. A reliable source has told High Man, that the rings are in actual fact a military based technology that disguises the wearer as generic looking teens. This technology is meant to be the new wave of security designated by Homeland Security for US schools to prevent future Columbines.


Original Hanson fans and the newer Jonas fans are outraged by the deceit and a press conference in LA, the Hanson/Jonas brothers admitted to deceiving the world and apologized for any pain that has been caused to both bands fans.

While Yoko Ono Gently Weeps

The music world is in shock after the home of Yoko Ono, widower of former Beatle John Lennon was robbed last Friday, one day before her deceased husband would have celebrated his 70th birthday.

John Lennons 70th birthday celebrations were soured by this brutal attack

The robbery took place at Ono’s family home in New York, late Friday night. Police say the perpetrator broke into the house through the bathroom window. Once inside the thief proceeded to steal five million dollars worth of jewellery and artwork. However in a bizarre turn of events the burglar left Ono’s house and waited outside until police arrived. Once the police turned up, the intruder started throwing the belongings he had just stolen back at the house he had just robbed. Police estimate he hit the house with $4 million worth of jewellery, while a rare painting worth $1 million completely missed the house and hit a wall beside it.

Yoko Ono in her family home, looking mournful

A doorman at an adjacent building yelled out to him as the police grew near “Do you know what you’ve done?” to which the robber replied “Yes, I just robbed Yoko Ono”

The man, identified later as American tax collector Michael Derek Cutesman, who was found with nothing on his person but a Hawaiian drivers licence and a copy of writer J.D. Salingers autobiography. After being apprehended by police it was discovered that Cutesman had a hit list of celebrities homes he planned to invade, included on the list were talk show host David Letterman, Newsreader John Beard, and actor Brad Pitt. It was also discovered that he had been patrolling the Ono household for weeks before the robbery, and even got Yoko Ono’s autograph days before his break in.

This is how the arrest would have looked if any cameras had been on the scene

A Criminal psychologist for the New York police after studying the case stated that “he wanted to get caught, he wanted the attention, he wanted to be known as the man that robbed Yoko Ono”. All of the stolen possessions have been returned to Mrs. Ono in their original condition, and Mr. Cutesman has admitted his crime, but has also taken the insanity plea. A notion that New York Police state they will challenge with all available resources.

This has been another exclusive bought to you by the Totem Pole

Written by Matt Booth

Sweatshop Gaga

If there's one thing pop sensation Lady Gaga is famous for, perhaps other than her quirky behaviour and chart-topping hits, it's certainly her eyebrow-raising, wacky and sometimes even controversial outfits.

It's no secret that the singer has a certain taste for the strange and unusual, especially when it comes to her choice in fashion, having donned costumes in the past that included everything from crustacean headwear to a dress made entirely from meat - and it seems that the popstar has no intention of stopping anytime soon.



Most would assume that Gaga's extravagent taste in fashion is bound to cost the star quite the hefty sum, especially when it seems that each time we see her she's come up with something newer and even wackier. In a recent interview with The Totem Pole, Gaga had even admitted that keeping her "hunger" for fashion satisfied has cost her a considerable amount over the past few years.

''I spend all my money on wardrobe and props. I don't care about money.'' And when money isn't enough, what's a pop diva to do? ''I design, I hand-make, I borrow — whatever it takes.''

But we here at The Totem Pole have uncovered what could very well be one of the biggest scandals to ever hit the music industry, and celebrity world in general. According to reliable sources who have wished to remain anonymous for the protection of themselves and their families, Gaga's extravagent and notorious outfits are being provided for the star at what could be described as a slave worker's sum. And that's because it IS!

Lady Gaga, real-name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, has reportedly been keeping a team of slave labour sweatshop workers in her large estate in West LA, who are constantly working on producing a number of the outfits Gaga is famous for, at what is claimed to be a grossly-below-minimum wage.

Police have claimed to be 'investigating'the reports at this time, but we suppose only time will tell whether these claims are true and, if so, whether Lady Gaga will be brought to justice.

This has been brought to you exclusively by The Totem Pole

Written by Elizabeth Rainin

Two And A Half Joints?

One of Hollywood's highest paid child actors, Angus T. Jones has spent the last seven years winning the hearts of viewers across the world with his portrayal of the lazy, often dimwitted but lovable Jake Harper on the hit sitcom, Two and a Half Men. Amongst his massive $300 000-per-episode salary with the show, 17-year-old Jones has also scored himself a number of film and television roles over his relatively short career, making him one of the most recognisable young faces in Hollywood today.

But are we about to bear witness to yet another tragically familiar story of a child actor gone astray? Sources close to the young star are claiming that the 17-year-old's massive salary and recent rise to fame is beginning to go to his head, and despite being well underage has reportedly been blowing large amounts of his income on his recent party life-style. If this continues Jones seems likely to end up following in the footsteps of some former child-actors such as Lindsay Lohan and Drew Barrymore, who have gone down the dark path of excessive partying, drinking, and drug-taking.



Friends of Jones have also admitted that they believe the young actor's behaviour has become "out of control", and his family is concerned about his health and safety. Reports that Jones' family have urged him to take a break from the hit sitcom, and from acting in general, to get his life back in control have surfaced but it is unclear at the moment whether any official statements will be made.

This has been another exclusive brought to you by The Totem Pole

Written by Elizabeth Rainin

KIRSTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSONS RELATIONSHIP CRISIS

Kirsten Stewart, 20, was seen leaving an un-identifide white building last night, clutching a small dog, carrying an oversized bag and wearing a hat. Friends of the star tell us that they fear the end is near for the Twilight stars steamy relationship with Robert Pattinson, 24.

According to reliable sources, the symbolic gesture of the carrying the small, yet unnamed dog, is a signal to the rest of the world that Stewart was in fact having an affair with Taylor Lautner, 18. Other reliable sources state that Stewart was ashamed of her cougar ways and felt the time was right to end the relationship with Pattinson. “I want to go to college for literature. I want to be a writer. I mean, I love what I do, but it's not all I want to do—be a professional liar for the rest of my life.”



Disclaimer: It was brought to our attention that Stewart was in fact leaving the local vet after her mothers dog needed vaccinating. That is not to say that is was not against something really contagious and life threatening.

And the Oscar goes to ...

It seems like reality television star and self-proclaimed 'guidette' Nicole Polizzi - perhaps better known by her nickname Snooki - may soon be leaving the shore with her sights set firmly on taking over tinsel town. The 22-year old Jersey Shore star has revealed exclusively to The Totem Pole that a career change is in the cards for her, now that she has decided on persuing her dream of acting.

But Polizzi claims that her goals don't stop at just that - in fact the pint-sized and often controversial star has claimed that she wants to join the ranks of some of Hollywood's greats and take home the highest honour known to acting - that golden man named Oscar.

"I just think I have what it takes .... If Meryl, Katharine, and Kate can do it then I think I've got a pretty good shot."

On her recent arrest for disorderly conduct, Polizzi is quoted as saying the entire ordeal was a "huge misunderstanding", and that her portrayal on the often controversial MTV reality show Jersey Shore has been "grossly misinforming".

"They just make me seem like this giant bimbo ... it's so not fair. [...] I just believe that if they give me a chance, I can prove that I'm so much more than just this spoiled party girl. I have the talent."

Can it be possible - the notorious Snooki turned serious, acclaimed actress? Whether that's true we suppose is something that everyone is just going to have to wait and see... though we here at The Totem Pole aren't exactly holding our breaths.


Written by Elizabeth Rainin

Irish national anthem contributing largely to Travis' Billions

Descendants of Peadar Kearney and Patrick Heeney, writers of the Republic of Irelands national anthem "Amhrán na bhFiann" or "The Soldiers song" yesterday filed a class action copyright lawsuit against American musician Travis Mccoy, claiming Mccoy has stolen "large sections" from the Irish national anthem in his song "Billionaire".

HMOTTP's exclusive comparison of the melodic structure of the music in question reveals they are practically identical

The revelations first came apparent when popular Irish music quiz show "To Whom it May Concern" claimed that chorus of "Billionaire" very closely followed the musical pattern of "Amhrán na bhFiann". It was written in 1907 by Kearney and Heeney, and after being adopted as a national anthem in 1926 has been sung by Irish men and woman at sporting events for over 80 years.

Irish rugby players belting out "Billionaire" by Travis Mccoy

Asked what he aimed to gain from the lawsuit, Chareth Heeney, great-great-nephew of Patrick Heeney said "I mean anywhere between 40 and 60 per cent of the royalties Travis has earned would be a fair deal, I mean its a terrible song anyway, why its popular I have no idea, some spoilt American brat singing about how he wants to be rich. What a tool".

Mccoy wishes to be a billionaire, "so Freakin bad" he'll resort to plagairism 

Mccoy shot to stardom late 2006 when he fronted the "Gym Class Heroes" themselves notable plagairists, but has since spawned his own solo career, with "Billionaire" a top 10 single all around the world. Lawyers for Mr Mccoy released this statement "Mr Mccoy wishes to be a billionaire extremely bad, and everytime he closes his eyes he wishes to fight this case with everything we have".

Looks like Travis Mccoy will have to wait 40% - 60% longer to achieve his dream..

Jordan, another comeback???

Michael Jordan, who retired from basketball in 1993, and started playing baseball in minor baseball league, is said to return to sport. This wouldn’t be the first comeback to sport by Jordan, who came back to basketball in 1995, than retired in 1999, but this wasn’t the last we saw from Jordan. He returned barely 2 years later for another 2 years when he finally retired in 2003.



Since, he tried his luck in golf as well as owning an NBA team. But recently it has been reported he would like to return to sport and try himself in PRO Bull Riding – apparently his childhood dream. He has been overheard saying that the time has come to follow his life long dream. With the time on his, why wouldn’t he. Sources close to Jordan reported the legendary Tuff Hedeman is set to be the coach and help Jordan adapt to this sport.
Will he make another comeback? I guess time will tell.

50 Cent to Star in Broadway Musical

New York, New York

After months of speculation Rapper 50 cent announced this week that he will be starring in Broadways latest production of Fiddler on the Roof. 50 will play Tevye, the main character, in the Jerry Brock Musical set in 1905. Asked about the role, Cent replied “its always been a dream of mine to portray a Jewish Russian character, I think I can bring a depth to the role that no other has bought before”.

50 Cent and unknown female lead at rehearsal

50 Cents Musical talent was first recognised by former rapper Eminem in 2002, when he was given a mix tape of some of 50 Cent singing his favourite Broadway songs, “he just had a natural talent, his a Capella version of ‘Memories’ from Cats literally brought a tear to mine and Dre’s eyes” said Eminem “the way he held those long notes was just divine”.

50 will play Tevye, a Russian milkman, who has a responsibility to protect his family against anti-semitists

However, after a number of PR stunts gone wrong where Cent was shot at and later survived multiple gun shots, the decision was made to change his debut album “Get Rich or Die Tryin” to a rap album, as this would better suit his now forged public identity. The album was an instant hit, spawning 5 hit singles and debuting at number one on the US charts.

50 Cents debut album was originally intended as an album of Broadway Classics

However, a return to his roots was always on the charts, rumours started circulating earlier this year that 50 was set for a musical return when he was seen on several meetings with Andrew Lloyd Webber, creator of the musical “Cats”.

Fiddler on the Roof Starring 50 Cent will debut on November 29th at the Winter Garden Theatre on Broadway.

Katy Perry Kissed A Girl... Again. (And this time, we don't think she'll be writing a song about it)

In the lead up to the much anticipated wedding between bride-and-groom-to-be, Katy Perry and Russell Brand, sources close to the couple have come forward to reveal a shocking new development that could spell the end for these two. The sources, who wished to remain unamed, have claimed that not all is a teenage dream between Perry and Russell who are set to marry in what is expected to be a 7 day long event in Delhi this October.




It seems to be a case of art imitating life as new photo evidence has emerged, revealing Katy Perry getting up close and personal with someone other than her fiance - none other than good friend Rihanna. The two were snapped partying at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas over the weekend. Onlookers and fellow guests were quoted as saying the pair seemed "close" and "intimate" as they were supposed to be celebrating Perry's bachelorette party.




And what happens in Vegas does not look like it always stays in Vegas, since news of the pair's steamy affair may have made it back to Russell Brand who is reportedly "heartbroken" and was seen leaving the apartment he and wife-to-be Katy Perry share in LA, looking less-than-thrilled.

What was that Katy? Hope your boyfriend don't mind it? Well, it looks to us like he might.

We're just hoping Rihanna's cherry chapstick was worth it.

Written by Elizabeth Rainin

BIEBER: LOST TO US ALL... RIP BIEBER, RIP

The world was thrust into the depths of despair today when it was announced that Justin Bieber’s singing career was almost over today after what can be called the most devastating prophecy came to light during his US My World 2.0 tour. The 16 year old heart teen heartthrob was performing live in Florida today, when half way through the number one hit “Baby”, Biebers voice broke. This incident has triggered a worldwide panic after fans realised that their idle was never going to be the same again, that ‘Baby’ was never going to touch their souls like it used to. During a press conference, Bieber announced bravely that this was not going to stop him from producing more records - “It cracks. Like every teenage boy, I'm dealing with it... Some of the notes I hit on "Baby" I can't hit anymore. We have to lower the key when I sing live.”

Grief counselling and call lines have been set up all major cities for fans to help Bieber fans deal with the sudden devastating news.

Welcome to High Man on the Totem Pole!

Hi there! You're probably wondering how the hell you managed to find your way to this little gem of a website. It's okay, we know - you were probably deep in to your very important, very dull research/assignment/work project and sorting through countless porn educational academic sites, and on the way somewhere you got lost.

And ended up here.

Now, we may not look like much. At all. But we are 4 dedicated people (read as: we have no lives) who have spent more than enough time waiting at the doctors/dentist/hairdresser and picking up all one of those trashy magazines sitting on the table there (come on, admit it - you've done it too.). We figured hey, if they can take one unfortunately unflattering candid picture of a celebrity out and about, and come up with an entire covery story detailing their tragic downward spiral in the throes of drug/sex/alcohol/twitter addiction... then so can we!

We decided on our background because we wanted something that would draw attention to the fact that we are putting the "spotlight" on the celebrity world, and of course, a spotlight is the perfect thing for that. We aimed to make it as much like a real celebrity magazine as possible.

Disclaimer: We are fake. Completely and utterly fake. Everything you read here is faker than Heidi Montag's new face and body. We are simply taking every ridiculous story you read in those gossip blogs and magazines and taking the piss out of it for our (and hopefully your) entertainment. Please, if you are a lawyer/manager for one the fine celebrities mentioned here/anyone who can sue the pants off us - we are broke uni students. We have nothing, but those pants. Please don't take our pants.  How ever if you are really gullable:.....

This is real. Everything you read here is 100% true assumptions.