TOTEM TV: EPISODE ONE
ENJOY!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IS HERE!
Ladies and gentlemen (Yes, all three of you who follow our blog...), we here at The Totem Pole are proud to present our latest foray into bringing you the most exclusive and juicy celebrity gossip:
ENJOY!!
ENJOY!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Melbourne Open preparation
In preparation to Melbourne open, it has been the tradition to compete at Sydney International and Brisbane International. But for 2011, Tennis Australia is considering Alice Spring International.
Sources close to the federation have confirmed this speculation that has been going around for the last couple of weeks. It is an attempt to bring Tennis from capital cities to the less tennis-developed areas.
There is a genuine concern for the health of players with temperatures reaching high 30’s and 40’s and the quality of the court, but it is believed that high heath will only improve the preparation for Melbourne Open.
Sources close to the federation have confirmed this speculation that has been going around for the last couple of weeks. It is an attempt to bring Tennis from capital cities to the less tennis-developed areas.
There is a genuine concern for the health of players with temperatures reaching high 30’s and 40’s and the quality of the court, but it is believed that high heath will only improve the preparation for Melbourne Open.
Pop sensations Jonas Brothers are really retired boy band Hanson!
The world is in shock today after it was discovered by a Jonas fan, that the 3 brothers were in fact the Hanson brothers in disguise.
13 year old Kelly McDooglemiester, an avid Jonas Brothers fan, snuck into their dressing room after an LA concert yesterday afternoon. Wanting to get an autograph, McDooglemeister got more then she bargained for when the 'boys' came back and revealed that they were in fact Hanson.
“It was like the first episode of Hannah Montana when Lily like goes into Hannah’s dressing room and like finds out it is Miley Stewart. But like then they took of their wigs and they like had blonde hair! It was like horrible, the most horriblest thing I have ever seen. I was like, so scared, so I cried and ran out”.
Isaac Hanson, 29, Taylor Hanson 27, and Zachary Hanson 24 first came to major fame in 1996 with the smash hit MMMBop. After half a decade of success, the band left Island Def Jam Records after creative conflicts and lack of originality. This move resulted in the band falling off the music radar, apparently opening up spots in people hearts for a new, lovable boy band called the Jonas Brothers.
Nick Jonas, 18, Joe Jonas 21, and Kevin Jonas 22 came onto the music scene with the hit album It’s About Time, singing their way into our hearts. Each brother wear on their left-hand ring finger, purity rings. Joe has said that the rings symbolize "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage”. However reliable sources tell us that this was in fact a lie told to their fans and the general public as a way of hiding their true identities as the original Hanson brothers. Not having intercourse with women meant their secret would not be found out. But they didn’t anticipate the pure crazy of their fans. A reliable source has told High Man, that the rings are in actual fact a military based technology that disguises the wearer as generic looking teens. This technology is meant to be the new wave of security designated by Homeland Security for US schools to prevent future Columbines.
Original Hanson fans and the newer Jonas fans are outraged by the deceit and a press conference in LA, the Hanson/Jonas brothers admitted to deceiving the world and apologized for any pain that has been caused to both bands fans.
13 year old Kelly McDooglemiester, an avid Jonas Brothers fan, snuck into their dressing room after an LA concert yesterday afternoon. Wanting to get an autograph, McDooglemeister got more then she bargained for when the 'boys' came back and revealed that they were in fact Hanson.
“It was like the first episode of Hannah Montana when Lily like goes into Hannah’s dressing room and like finds out it is Miley Stewart. But like then they took of their wigs and they like had blonde hair! It was like horrible, the most horriblest thing I have ever seen. I was like, so scared, so I cried and ran out”.
Isaac Hanson, 29, Taylor Hanson 27, and Zachary Hanson 24 first came to major fame in 1996 with the smash hit MMMBop. After half a decade of success, the band left Island Def Jam Records after creative conflicts and lack of originality. This move resulted in the band falling off the music radar, apparently opening up spots in people hearts for a new, lovable boy band called the Jonas Brothers.
Nick Jonas, 18, Joe Jonas 21, and Kevin Jonas 22 came onto the music scene with the hit album It’s About Time, singing their way into our hearts. Each brother wear on their left-hand ring finger, purity rings. Joe has said that the rings symbolize "a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage”. However reliable sources tell us that this was in fact a lie told to their fans and the general public as a way of hiding their true identities as the original Hanson brothers. Not having intercourse with women meant their secret would not be found out. But they didn’t anticipate the pure crazy of their fans. A reliable source has told High Man, that the rings are in actual fact a military based technology that disguises the wearer as generic looking teens. This technology is meant to be the new wave of security designated by Homeland Security for US schools to prevent future Columbines.
Original Hanson fans and the newer Jonas fans are outraged by the deceit and a press conference in LA, the Hanson/Jonas brothers admitted to deceiving the world and apologized for any pain that has been caused to both bands fans.
While Yoko Ono Gently Weeps
The music world is in shock after the home of Yoko Ono, widower of former Beatle John Lennon was robbed last Friday, one day before her deceased husband would have celebrated his 70th birthday.
The robbery took place at Ono’s family home in New York, late Friday night. Police say the perpetrator broke into the house through the bathroom window. Once inside the thief proceeded to steal five million dollars worth of jewellery and artwork. However in a bizarre turn of events the burglar left Ono’s house and waited outside until police arrived. Once the police turned up, the intruder started throwing the belongings he had just stolen back at the house he had just robbed. Police estimate he hit the house with $4 million worth of jewellery, while a rare painting worth $1 million completely missed the house and hit a wall beside it.
A doorman at an adjacent building yelled out to him as the police grew near “Do you know what you’ve done?” to which the robber replied “Yes, I just robbed Yoko Ono”
The man, identified later as American tax collector Michael Derek Cutesman, who was found with nothing on his person but a Hawaiian drivers licence and a copy of writer J.D. Salingers autobiography. After being apprehended by police it was discovered that Cutesman had a hit list of celebrities homes he planned to invade, included on the list were talk show host David Letterman, Newsreader John Beard, and actor Brad Pitt. It was also discovered that he had been patrolling the Ono household for weeks before the robbery, and even got Yoko Ono’s autograph days before his break in.
A Criminal psychologist for the New York police after studying the case stated that “he wanted to get caught, he wanted the attention, he wanted to be known as the man that robbed Yoko Ono”. All of the stolen possessions have been returned to Mrs. Ono in their original condition, and Mr. Cutesman has admitted his crime, but has also taken the insanity plea. A notion that New York Police state they will challenge with all available resources.
This has been another exclusive bought to you by the Totem Pole
Written by Matt Booth
 |
| John Lennons 70th birthday celebrations were soured by this brutal attack |
The robbery took place at Ono’s family home in New York, late Friday night. Police say the perpetrator broke into the house through the bathroom window. Once inside the thief proceeded to steal five million dollars worth of jewellery and artwork. However in a bizarre turn of events the burglar left Ono’s house and waited outside until police arrived. Once the police turned up, the intruder started throwing the belongings he had just stolen back at the house he had just robbed. Police estimate he hit the house with $4 million worth of jewellery, while a rare painting worth $1 million completely missed the house and hit a wall beside it.
 |
| Yoko Ono in her family home, looking mournful |
A doorman at an adjacent building yelled out to him as the police grew near “Do you know what you’ve done?” to which the robber replied “Yes, I just robbed Yoko Ono”
The man, identified later as American tax collector Michael Derek Cutesman, who was found with nothing on his person but a Hawaiian drivers licence and a copy of writer J.D. Salingers autobiography. After being apprehended by police it was discovered that Cutesman had a hit list of celebrities homes he planned to invade, included on the list were talk show host David Letterman, Newsreader John Beard, and actor Brad Pitt. It was also discovered that he had been patrolling the Ono household for weeks before the robbery, and even got Yoko Ono’s autograph days before his break in.
 |
| This is how the arrest would have looked if any cameras had been on the scene |
A Criminal psychologist for the New York police after studying the case stated that “he wanted to get caught, he wanted the attention, he wanted to be known as the man that robbed Yoko Ono”. All of the stolen possessions have been returned to Mrs. Ono in their original condition, and Mr. Cutesman has admitted his crime, but has also taken the insanity plea. A notion that New York Police state they will challenge with all available resources.
This has been another exclusive bought to you by the Totem Pole
Written by Matt Booth
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sweatshop Gaga
If there's one thing pop sensation Lady Gaga is famous for, perhaps other than her quirky behaviour and chart-topping hits, it's certainly her eyebrow-raising, wacky and sometimes even controversial outfits.
It's no secret that the singer has a certain taste for the strange and unusual, especially when it comes to her choice in fashion, having donned costumes in the past that included everything from crustacean headwear to a dress made entirely from meat - and it seems that the popstar has no intention of stopping anytime soon.
Most would assume that Gaga's extravagent taste in fashion is bound to cost the star quite the hefty sum, especially when it seems that each time we see her she's come up with something newer and even wackier. In a recent interview with The Totem Pole, Gaga had even admitted that keeping her "hunger" for fashion satisfied has cost her a considerable amount over the past few years.
''I spend all my money on wardrobe and props. I don't care about money.'' And when money isn't enough, what's a pop diva to do? ''I design, I hand-make, I borrow — whatever it takes.''
But we here at The Totem Pole have uncovered what could very well be one of the biggest scandals to ever hit the music industry, and celebrity world in general. According to reliable sources who have wished to remain anonymous for the protection of themselves and their families, Gaga's extravagent and notorious outfits are being provided for the star at what could be described as a slave worker's sum. And that's because it IS!
Lady Gaga, real-name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, has reportedly been keeping a team of slave labour sweatshop workers in her large estate in West LA, who are constantly working on producing a number of the outfits Gaga is famous for, at what is claimed to be a grossly-below-minimum wage.
Police have claimed to be 'investigating'the reports at this time, but we suppose only time will tell whether these claims are true and, if so, whether Lady Gaga will be brought to justice.
This has been brought to you exclusively by The Totem Pole
Written by Elizabeth Rainin
Two And A Half Joints?
One of Hollywood's highest paid child actors, Angus T. Jones has spent the last seven years winning the hearts of viewers across the world with his portrayal of the lazy, often dimwitted but lovable Jake Harper on the hit sitcom, Two and a Half Men. Amongst his massive $300 000-per-episode salary with the show, 17-year-old Jones has also scored himself a number of film and television roles over his relatively short career, making him one of the most recognisable young faces in Hollywood today.
But are we about to bear witness to yet another tragically familiar story of a child actor gone astray? Sources close to the young star are claiming that the 17-year-old's massive salary and recent rise to fame is beginning to go to his head, and despite being well underage has reportedly been blowing large amounts of his income on his recent party life-style. If this continues Jones seems likely to end up following in the footsteps of some former child-actors such as Lindsay Lohan and Drew Barrymore, who have gone down the dark path of excessive partying, drinking, and drug-taking.
Friends of Jones have also admitted that they believe the young actor's behaviour has become "out of control", and his family is concerned about his health and safety. Reports that Jones' family have urged him to take a break from the hit sitcom, and from acting in general, to get his life back in control have surfaced but it is unclear at the moment whether any official statements will be made.
This has been another exclusive brought to you by The Totem Pole
Written by Elizabeth Rainin
Sunday, October 10, 2010
KIRSTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSONS RELATIONSHIP CRISIS
Kirsten Stewart, 20, was seen leaving an un-identifide white building last night, clutching a small dog, carrying an oversized bag and wearing a hat. Friends of the star tell us that they fear the end is near for the Twilight stars steamy relationship with Robert Pattinson, 24.
According to reliable sources, the symbolic gesture of the carrying the small, yet unnamed dog, is a signal to the rest of the world that Stewart was in fact having an affair with Taylor Lautner, 18. Other reliable sources state that Stewart was ashamed of her cougar ways and felt the time was right to end the relationship with Pattinson. “I want to go to college for literature. I want to be a writer. I mean, I love what I do, but it's not all I want to do—be a professional liar for the rest of my life.”
Disclaimer: It was brought to our attention that Stewart was in fact leaving the local vet after her mothers dog needed vaccinating. That is not to say that is was not against something really contagious and life threatening.
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